This month's blog post is the beginning of a 3 part series brought to you by one of our very own gentleman Anthony. Check out his profile on the Aphrodisiac Male Escort website, for more info about him.
How do you like your sex? Soft and sensual, raw and rough, or somewhere in between?
I don't get asked for the Christian Grey experience or the Magic Mike show (thankfully)
Some definitely want light bondage, but the number of clients requesting it hasn’t risen this year, despite the release of 50 Shades back in May.
I’m beginning to wonder whether the appearance of the medieval on our screens is providing more of a stimulant to women’s sexual desires this year. In 2015, the number of women wanting a more animalistic sexual experience as part of their booking has risen markedly. It could be coincidence, or it could be the appearance of rougher sex on TV in series like Game of Thrones and Vikings.
There’s nothing wrong with rough treatment during sex; but what is it all about?
Rough treatment by choice.
If you abuse someone verbally by calling them names and putting them down, they generally don’t like it. Even if we don’t agree with what they say, after a prolonged period of abuse we can start to internalise it and believe it.
All of us can be beaten down by abusers, no matter how strong our sense of self. That's the power and weakness of measuring ourselves through the eyes of others. It's natural and helps us to be social creatures, but it is also damaging if we listen to others to greatly.
In a different scenario, if I don’t believe I’m worthless (and I don’t) and I ask you to abuse me, I know that I allowed it and I chose it. I hold the power in this exchange and will not internalise what you say and do to me. My sense of self may actually grow stronger, because you are doing as I ask.
Power is erotically charged. Power is an intoxicating feeling that can turn sane people mad and can fire up a sexual encounter to explosive levels, one of which ways is a rougher and more animalistic domination.
If I choose to be treated rough, either by asking you or allowing you, I know I can make it stop at any moment. That is my power.
If you continue after being asked to stop, or you cross a boundary that we established beforehand, then we have a problem. With strength of character, those boundary crossings can be addressed and discussed openly without fear of reprisal.
I ensure that I establish trust with my clients prior to bookings or at the beginning of them so they know I respect them and they know they won’t come to any harm. Boundary lines can either be formally discussed, or stay unstated because grown adults know what is acceptable and what is not during a sexual encounter.
If you’re ever unsure, just ask if you can do something. Women often do. I either say yes, or I say no. It depends if it crosses one of my boundary lines.
Pleasure in Power.
In so many forms, sex can be a deeply pleasurable experience. When we trust our intimate partners we open up and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to let them see us as we truly are. If they accept us in that moment of nakedness, they can do whatever they want to us because we have been deemed worthy as individuals, as human beings.
Clients with a deep distrust of male sexuality do not want to hand over this power. Yes, they want me to take control, but they are rebuilding a trust in men based on respect and male integrity. For these women, rough treatment during sex is not a show of respect and integrity, but rather it reminds them of the abuse they received previously.
(Familiarity may breed contempt, but it is also very comforting at times. If you’ve grown up being abused, you may actually like this form of treatment because it feels comforting, however painful that comfort may be.)
Women who have a general trust of men (they trust them as far as they can throw them, but do not fear their sexual intentions in the majority of situations), are more open to exploring the darker side of sexual pleasure. They know that rough treatment during sex can be pleasurable and does not by definition signal a disrespect or dehumanising from the man. They are cautious to choose the right man, but sometimes they meet a few duds and wrong ones along the way before finding a true man. That’s normally when I come in.
|Image courtesy of UndisclosedDesires2|
The more extreme end of sexual power and rough sex is in the BDSM community. There’s an opinion in the general public that women who enjoy receiving pain during sex are f*cked up individuals who were abused during their childhood. This is a myth. There is no data to substantiate this. In fact, women who engage in BDSM (the more dedicated version of rough sex), generally have better psychological health than people who do not. So with a deft flick of the wrist, we’re whipping that myth aside.
As Alain de Botton says in his book, How to Think More about Sex:
“Nothing is erotic that isn’t also, with the wrong person, revolting, which is precisely what makes erotic moments so intense.”
The handing over of power for an erotically charged animalistic encounter does not happen without careful consideration. Women choose the right partner; they don’t just want any man to have control over their body. It needs to be a man they trust not to take it to a place beyond their control. They want and need a man they respect and they want a man they desire with their all their senses, particularly sight because we are a predominantly visual species.
Emotional and physical violence in longer term intimate relationships has, at its heart, dominance and power. Male violence against women has everything to do with power inequalities. Only in a small number of men get pleasure from this violence without power being central to the issue.
There are countless news articles and law reports about men (and women) using ‘rough sex’ as their defence for killing their partner. That is a discussion for another time and another article. (editors note: If you know anyone that is affected by domestic violence or sexual assault call 18007377328 or 1800RESPECT https://www.1800respect.org.au/)
The central theme in this article is animalistic sex that is mutually desired through respect and acceptance of ourselves. Alain, the esteemed social scientist, sums it up thus:
“When we are on the receiving end of this type of violence and rudeness, we may find a parallel pleasure, and a certain sense of strength, in being able to decide for ourselves just how insulted, hurt and dominated we are going to feel… Such rudeness makes no sense from an evolutionary-biological point of view; it is only through a psychological lens that being slapped, half-strangled, tied to a bed and almost raped starts to feel like a proof of acceptance.”
And that other esteemed social commentator in society, Cosmo, shares stories from the women engaging in these acts:
"When a guy gets wild and aggressive, you lose your inhibitions because he wants you so bad. You feel like it doesn't matter if your boobs are small." --Melissa, 29
"Sex is like the movies. Sure, sometimes the slow, sweet stuff satisfies me (I call it chick-flick sex), but damn, sometimes you just need an action movie: rough and fast."--Briana, 25
"Animalistic sex can be fun because you don't care if you're sweaty and sticky, and you don't care if your clothes get torn. It's all about the sex and nothing else."--Carrie, 22
Animalistic sex can be amazing for both partners. It’s intense, it’s edgy and risqué at times. It needs to be mutual but being caught off guard by your partner doesn’t mean you don’t want it. It’s all about the respect, desire and trust that exists between you, however long you’ve known them.
Sex takes place mostly in the head; the body is where we play out these control and power games and seek sensory stimulation with an infinite number of possibilities. The animalistic is just one of many possibilities.
Whatever kind of sex you have, there is likely to be some power play at work. If the power dynamic is balanced (both people consciously or unconsciously accepting who has the power), there’s a greater chance the sex will be pleasurable for both of you.
And women, if you like it soft and sensual, that’s fine. If you like it rough and animalistic, that’s also fine. If you’re not sure… explore!
|credit: A mad girl's love song|
Botton, Alain de 2012, How to Think More about Sex, Macmillan, London.
Karakurt, G, Cumbie, T, 2012, ‘The Relationship between Egalitarianism, Dominance, and Violence in Intimate Relationships’, Journal of Family Violence, vol.27(2), pp.115-122.
Wismeijer, Andreas A.J., Assen Marcel A.L.M. van, 2013, ‘Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners’, International Society for Sexual Medicine, Vol.10 p1943–1952.
"Women always want sex to be soft sweet, and romantic: girls like to to get down and dirty too (Myth of the Month.)"Cosmopolitan Jan. 2003: 104. General OneFile. Web 6 July 2015.
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